This educative article is excerpted from “Everything You Always Wanted to Ask Your Gynecologist” by Scott Thornton, M. D. & Kathleen Schramm, M. D. A book for every lady must read.
Lack of an orgasm is a problem only if you or your partner perceive it as one. Having said that, approximately 90 percent of women can experience orgasm. The inability to achieve one frequently relates to misconceptions about the normal sexual response. This response consists of four phases:
Excitement Phase
The sexual response begins with sexual arousal. With excitement, the clitoris enlarges and hardens. The clitoris is a swelling located immediately above the vaginal and urethral openings.
There is a "hood," or fold of tissue, overlying it that often retracts during this phase, making the clitoris more accessible. The clitoris is far more sensitive than any other structure in the genital region and is almost always responsible for initiating orgasm.
Difficulty achieving orgasm is most typically the result of insufficient stimulation of the clitoris. Women generally require prolonged stimulation of this and other erogenous areas in order to experience orgasm. Occasionally, the clitoris is so sensitive that direct stimulation is painful. This can be overcome by stimulation of the tissues adjacent to the clitoris, while avoiding direct contact.
Explore your body to identify other areas that arouse you. Pleasurable places may include the breasts (particularly the nipples), ears, neck, vagina, buttocks, anus, thighs, and feet. You must communicate with your partner and direct him to the areas that provide pleasurable sensations for you.
This is no time to be shy. Assertiveness in the bedroom has its distinct rewards (although assertiveness is best exerted gradually ... you don't want to scare the poor guy). Men often become excited and experience orgasm quickly. He needs to understand that this is not a race. Tell him that he needs to be more attentive for an extended time before and after intercourse. Try to have sex in a relaxed setting when neither of you are pressed for time.
Leave your stress and tension at the bedroom door. Try to let your mind focus on the pleasurable sensations that you are experiencing, not on whether Billy did his homework and Susie finished her piano practice.
During the excitement phase, the vagina moistens with secretions. Blood begins to engorge the internal and external genitalia, which may be noticed by swelling of the labia. The vagina begins to lengthen and expand to readily accept the penis. The uterus swells and rises from its usual position. The nipples may become erect and more sensitive to stimulation.
Plateau Phase
During this phase excitement continues to build. The pelvic structures become further engorged. The vagina continues to expand. At this point the clitoris retracts under its hood. If sexual response stops at this phase without progression to orgasm, "pelvic congestion syndrome" may occur. In this disorder, the pelvic region remains engorged with blood, resulting in pelvic soreness or aching and sometimes backache. It can be relieved by continuing stimulation until orgasm is reached.
Orgasm Phase
The peak of the cycle brings extremely pleasurable sensations in association with rhythmic contractions of the vagina and uterus. The anal muscles tighten, and the toes may curl. After a short period of time this abates, and muscular tension relaxes.
Resolution Phase
Following the orgasm, a woman may return to the plateau phase. If stimulated at this time, she may again achieve orgasm. Some women will experience multiple orgasms during sex. If there is no further stimulation, the pelvic organs and genitalia return to their prearoused state.
There is tremendous variability in sexual responsiveness. Orgasms may be experienced at varying levels of intensity, and not all sexual encounters will culminate in orgasm. sexual intimacy should be about love and sharing, not performance.
Focusing on performance produces tension and anxiety that decreases the chance of having a fulfilling sensual experience.
If you can't allow yourself to relax and enjoy the pleasurable sensations provided through sexual stimulation, your chances of reaching orgasm are diminished. Your inhibitions may result from a misconception that sex is "dirty." This is often the message that parents inadvertently (or not so inadvertently) transmit to their children.
Some mothers have told their daughters that sex is a duty, performed for the man's enjoyment and not the woman's. This misimpression doesn't change overnight. However, with a supportive partner you should be able to gradually allow yourself to experience the pleasure you deserve. If you still have difficulty, consider sexual counseling.
Drugs, alcohol, and certain medications may decrease your ability to become sexually aroused and reach orgasm. Alcohol may initially lower your inhibitions and therefore increase your ability to enjoy sex.
However, it depresses the central nervous system and ultimately decreases response to sexual stimulation. Some medications decrease libido (sexual desire) or sexual responsiveness. Check with your physician if you are taking medications and have this problem. The Physician's Desk Reference will state whether decreased libido is a side effect.
Certain medical disorders, such as depression or anxiety, may interfere with your sexual responsiveness, as do chronic medical illnesses.
Lowered hormone levels experienced by nursing mothers may decrease sexual arousal, and chronic fatigue and sleep deprivation may play their part as well: "I don't see him getting up to nurse the baby." Lowered hormone levels during menopause may decrease libido. Hormonal replacement, particularly if testosterone is included, can help.
Read Also: Why does it hurt when I have sex?
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